ViVi

Will this be the ultimate birthday wish from me to you? It could be. I always have so much to say but can't really express it on text since aha word count issues so I figured that I could just let it all out here on a blog post instead. Treat it like an open letter, I guess? Perhaps you can always come back to this post whenever you don't feel great about yourself; let this post be a reminder of how amazing of a person you are and how deserving you are of love and happiness.

You have the kindest soul. My mom taught me this while growing up: you can determine how good a person is by the way they treat strangers and acquaintances. Throughout my life, I have come across people who are only nice to you just because they care for you but you're definitely not like that. I've seen and heard of you treating people kindly and respectfully. I never told you this but your juniors who were my mom's students told my mom how great and kind you are. You probably don't see the effect you had on others because I know you treat people the way you want to be treated but I can't help but to feel so proud of having someone so kind-hearted as you in my life.

Let's talk about the things you'd do for the people you love now. (big sigh) I have no idea how you have the capacity to be so giving to the people you love. I know it's just your love language but you're kinda (really) crazy - like you go ham especially during people's birthdays. I still can't forget how you were there for me through and through during my graduation - carrying all those flowers in the rain, you took care of me even after my family left. I know for a fact that I could lose everything in this world and still know that I'd have you by my side. You do so much for people and I always pray that you'll receive blessings by tenfold. 

(I'm kinda tearing up while typing this right now. I guess I'm just so overwhelmed by emotions. I could write this long post and still feel like it's not enough to show how appreciative I am of you)

I know you go through some rough obstacles from time to time but one thing that I admire most from you is your self-love. You know how to fill your own cup - that's something that I admit I struggle with but I really do aspire to one day be like you. You don't depend on people to make you happy and you're the type that just thrive to find your own happiness instead. And I guess that's why it's so easy for you to extend your love to other people. Legendary behaviour, if I'm being honest.

Don't get me started on your self-discipline and time management. I honestly can't live your life, I get incredibly tired from seeing a million things in a day. However, what I learned from you is to always live your days feeling fulfilled. You may not see what impact you had done towards me (and other people) but I'm here to remind you that you're always inspiring people left and right by just being who you are.

I want to thank you for being in my life and for allowing me to be whatever / whoever I want to be. You are the only person (other than my family) that see all sides of me. Thank you for always giving me space and time, I know that I'm always absent and like to be with myself (especially when I feel bad) - it's just my coping mechanism. I know that if I need you, you'd always be there for me. I admit that you may not know all the trivial things about me (since I'm not one to talk a lot about myself) but you know me well enough to know what I tolerate and value; that's more important imo. (but I do hope that one day we'll know each other's little things too, we have our whole lives for that) We could go for days and months not talking and I still would never doubt you and our friendship. I hope that you know that you're always my day one and my number one. 

I also want to take this opportunity to tell you that I am so proud of your growth. I know that you had to mature pretty quickly compared to other people (I swear you've been adulting since forever) but you've become such a remarkable woman. I hope that you will continue to stand your ground but always give as much love as you can. Your efforts you've put in your life will never go to waste, I promise you. 

Anyway, I hope that we can do more sleepovers and do dumb things together when this pandemic ends. I really wish that we could celebrate your special day together < : ( (it's a sad face with party hat on) Off topic but I'm also manifesting our trip to Seoul together!

May God always bless you with health, wealth, success and happiness. It's what you deserve.

Last but not least,

Happy birthday, my soulmate and my best friend!

p/s. your actual birthday gift will arrive late because I am big dum : ) so enjoy this post and the flowers for the time being.

BAMBI

Taken by Dani @ ATAP Roof Top Cafe

Being single for the past few months has really been taking a great toll on me. I didn't know that it would suck this much being alone but it sucks most of the time. I'm not actually crying over the fact that I don't have anyone to give me attention anymore but I realized when I actually try to be alone, I spend most of my time being alone with my thoughts - and that's scary.

I don't think that I have ever opened up to my friends about what I truly struggle with. Everyone just think that I go by my life looking unbothered with everything most of the time. Sad to say that it's only just a fascade. It's hard to explain, really. Just putting it out there, my family has been nothing but loving and supportive towards me. Whatever that I go through is because of the state of my mental health.

Well, there's nothing left to lose anyway since almost no one reads this blog so I'm just going to tell you - I have high functioning depression. It's a bit different than the stereotypes of depression - lack of motivation to do anything etc. High functioning depression is like, you feel depressed but still carry out your daily routine like normal. People may think you're okay since you're just going about your life but you constantly feel empty throughout the day.

I'm pretty sure if a lot of people knew, they would ask me "Don't you have everything? Why are you so sad about?". Well, I'm here to tell you, I don't know but my feelings are valid, my mental health is at stake, you can get mentally ill like how frequently you get physically ill. Depression is always hard to explain when others don't go through it - I guess that's why I never actually find the comfort in talking to my friends about it. If you feel the same way, however, seek a therapist - it helps. It just hurts when you open up to someone and all they can say is "get over it", because I do want to get over it, I just don't know how to.

I didn't know high functioning depression was a thing until as of recent when I took an elective course on Health, Lifestyle and Diseases. I never actually knew that I was depressed. I mean, I knew that I was but I wasn't actually going through similar symptoms as what my friends who have depression went through. I thought it was all in my head and that I'm just PMS-ing... everyday until I found out about it (HFD) and started to dig up and do some research. I'm not a professional but I guess sharing whatever symptoms that I have may help you if you struggle to understand and that maybe you might go through what I go through, who knows?

#1 I have difficulty in experiencing the littlest happiness in life.

Things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore even when I try to force it on myself. Everything just makes me either sad or just feel a bunch of nothingness. I'm not sad the whole time, though. I still do get happy when someone buys me flowers or if I eat my favourite dessert but most of the time, I just feel sad when I don't even have the reason to. With all the things that used to bring me joy, doing them became like a chore to me so I just ended up not doing it anymore.

#2 I constantly doubt myself.

I don't know whether I'm like this because of my depression or if it's due to having an imposter syndrome. I always doubt myself despite the accomplishments that I have. For instance, getting Dean's list 6 times in a row should make me feel like I know my stuff but I still think that it was mere luck. This constant self-doubt also plays in relationships which is probably the worst thing that I'm going through right now. I always think that the people that are in my life are going to get sick of me and eventually leave me; I also question why they are still staying because I feel like I'm not that great as a person. 

#3 I struggle with low self-esteem.

People who actually know me in real life would probably think that I don't go through this because I'm a narcissist but I actually do. This is also the reason why I stopped being a YouTuber or a "social media influencer". I always think of the worst thing that could happen to me to get myself prepared for when it truly comes and that's so unhealthy. When things don't work out with the person I like, I always bum myself out by saying things like "I'll never find anyone that will actually like my companionship". I often compare myself to other people and give a million reasons to why I suck, basically. The self-esteem issue got worse when I gained weight and started to break out but thank God that's over.

#4 I rely on my coping strategies excessively.

Since I want to be away with my thoughts, I look for escapism real bad. That could mean, playing video games, watch anime or just sleep for the rest of the day to avoid thinking about anything. Another way is talking to someone that should be making me happy and rely on that person for my own emotions. Relying on someone is bad because when they get busy or when they don't give you the attention that you expect, you'll start to think about what you did wrong when actually, there really isn't anything wrong.

#5 Crying over the littlest things.

This is probably the most annoying thing ever. I'll cry when smallest things don't go my way. I'll cry when I overthink about what a text means. I'll just cry because the smallest things feel huge to me. Uh, I kind of don't know how to describe this feeling, sorry.

The list could go on and on but I'm actually pretty exhausted from typing all of this because I have to remember feeling depressed lol. I'm sure there are a lot of articles and videos that you can find about HFD and its symptoms.

So, you might ask, what did I do to cure my depression? Well, I'm not cured and I don't think that there is a cure for depression in general. It's always going to be a constant battle on your mentality. There are days when you're like I'M GOING TO MAKE DEPRESSION MY BITCH and then get down the next few days, it happens. I am still depressed here and there but I've come to a point to where I can manage it. I guess, I could tell you what I've been doing.

First, seek professional help! Professionals can diagnose you, help you understand what you don't and provide you with medications if necessary. I go to see a therapist but not that often; it does make you feel better to get things off your chest and feel driven to fight against depression after a therapy session. Don't bother trying to seek your friends because they can't cure you and might say anything that could trigger your depression instead. 

I still play video games and watch anime but not excessively anymore. I play video games about 2 to 3 hours and as for anime, maybe I'd watch 3 episodes. As for relying on someone as a coping strategy, I'm still trying to manage that. I just don't use my phone to text that much anymore. Other than that, I've also been trying to have a healthy (but not that healthy) diet and lose weight the right way. I stopped drinking Pokka Green Tea on a daily basis and opt for mineral water instead so that I won't be so tired (since I get emotionally tired easily). 

Escapism is nice but I can't run away from my thoughts forever so here is where things get serious. Facing your thoughts especially at night. Boy, it's still a struggle. Every single time your mind plays tricks on you and tell you something negative, always say these sentences out loud:

"Everything is okay. If it's not now, then it will be okay later on."

"I have so much love to give and so much love to gain."

"Today is the day I can love myself with no expectations."

"I am the key in changing and shaping my life. I have the power."

Fighting your thoughts sure is tough but it's manageable. It's okay to cry even if it's every night. I learnt that once I cry every night, I will either get tired of the feeling and become very driven to make myself happy the next day OR I just cry less because I've become somewhat immune. You have to make a habit to talk to yourself before you sleep about what you can do to show self-love. Try to always sleep with positivity so that you'll wake up feeling better.

I've been feeling way better after my mother bought me a teddy bear. Her name is Bambi and she's the cutest thing ever! I talk to her every now and then and hugging it always makes me feel okay. I think that the fact that my mother bought it for me makes it a whole lot greater.

Bambi <3

Whoever that is reading this, I'm actually writing this for myself. It's honestly so hard trying to stay mentally strong but I know that I can do it. I really just want to be happy, even if it means being happy with just myself. I hope that when I revisit this post in a few months/years time, I'm able to say that I did it.

Good night.

(this is the most taxing post I've ever done)

crushed

lights in my newly decorated room!

I'm back with a secret that I've kept to myself for quite some time now. I hope that the person I'm talking about in this post does not suddenly stumble across my blog but he probably won't know that I'm talking about him in the first place so, I think I'm good. I hope I don't give too much information away.

Do you have that certain someone that you admire (or like) for a long time but you know that things between you both will never happen so you just admire them from afar? If you do, then I guess we're on the same boat. You see, I've had a crush on this guy since I was 15 and he probably didn't even know that I exist back then. At first I thought he was just cute and then when I found out that we had some mutual friends and I started to learn bits and pieces about him, I guess I started to like him as a person. We became internet friends - we follow each other on social media but that's all to it, actually.

I guess you could say that I have a crush on this guy but you know, I'm a realist - I don't think I'm actually his type to begin with. So, I just like his posts and watch his videos every now and then for the fun of it. Even though we're so near each other, our worlds are so far apart and I guess I've accepted that fact. I never expected to be romantically involved with him but I do wish that we could somehow become friends, instead of just acquaintances. I've always wanted to just go out with him once, sit down and just get to know him. Even when I thought I got the chance, it never actually happened and I just end up waiting for the next opportunity to come into my hands.

I'm a big believer with putting effort into doing something you want but another part of me also believes in fate - if the universe is not aligning your worlds then maybe you shouldn't push it, you know? I can't say that I didn't try because I think I've done my part and I guess the universe is just telling me that maybe we are not meant to even be just friends. I mean, we have met and talked here and there but it was always fairly brief. Mind you, he also has a huge following of girls, I'm not even surprised if he saw me as one of them.

I did try, however once again. I didn't expect much though. I met him again as of recent. I didn't know why but before seeing him, I felt so nervous. I think it wasn't me being nervous seeing him, it was more of like scared of being indirectly rejected by him. Anyway, we met, it was okay, I guess. It's a good thing my best friends were there, if not I probably would have exploded. I have no idea why I got scared thinking that he probably didn't remember me (even though we exchanged messages on social media + I kinda asked him out). I left the place feeling a tiny bit of disappointment - he didn't even call me by my name so hahaha, maybe he didn't remember me. Well, at least he has a picture of me in his phone from that night.

So yeah, another stagnant ending to this story.

I guess he remains as my crush. Maybe it's better this way. Me admiring him for 7 years has planted this idea of him and if I have truly gotten to know him, I probably might get disappointed knowing that what I thought might be wrong.

flying seoullo

When will I start taking blogging seriously? The answer is: Never. It's pretty funny how I always ghost on this blog for months and then I get back on it with temporary enthusiasm to blog seriously - talking about how I will try to blog weekly and then I disappear once again and the next thing you know, oh it's a new year. The cycle is disappointing. I finally understand what I lack of - consistency. That's the same issue that I have with YouTube but I think I should talk about that in another post. Now that I have some time to spare (I'm on my semester break), I want to write about my trip to Seoul this year.

At Ewha Womans University, taken by Sofiya

Seoul. It was such a bittersweet trip for me. I don't know if I should open up about it but I do want to let it all out since this is my blog anyway. So, I apologize if I end up confusing you with this post. Also, the pictures would most probably be jumbled up, not according to timeline because I don't think I'll actually be talking about the places that I visited and what I did etc. I guess, this post tells a story about my emotions during the trip. I clearly don't have a format for this so I'm just going to wing it.

Before I start off, this Seoul trip was under my University's outbound program. Basically, each batch must go overseas to do program as such and my classmates chose to go to Seoul. Sadly, because I went there two years ago, I got elected to be the Director of the program but hey, I really liked the job - planning the trip and taking care of my classmates, it was such a rewarding experience. While everyone gets excited for the trip, I got really stressed out and anxious when I think of it. As much as I wanted to have fun, my priority was to give an experience for my classmates that they would never forget. I really hope they had fun and thought of this trip as special as I felt it was for me.

Planeers (my batch) during our Talk with Seoul Metropolitan Government

(Had an in depth talk with how Seoul came about in the eyes of the local authority. Learning about Seoul, its history and the story behind its practice of urban planning was really eye opening. South Koreans are definitely great thinkers - they have development plans in what Seoul would be like in 100 years. 100! So much details being thought out in shaping the city while prioritizing healthy and modern living with its geographical attributes and their people in mind.)

Preparing for the trip was supposed to feel like a hassle but having my best friend, Adeeb as my assistant, it was actually fun. I really liked our dynamic when we're working; apart from him being really easy to work with, we were total opposites that made things work. I would say I'm very strict and determined which may sometimes scare people but Adeeb, on the other hand, is more of a people's person. I tell him what I need from our classmates and he delivers the message in the most angelic way to get them cooperative. I do give him side-eyes when people think it's his idea or when people ask him questions cause hey, I'm the brain here, he's just my PR.

Unfortunately, our lecturer couldn't go with us to our 10-day trip to Seoul due to reasons so it was all on us. As much as I should be happy with the news, I got more anxious thinking about how I had to be responsible towards 25 persons' well-being for the next 10 days. Everyday in Seoul, I prayed that nothing bad would happen to anyone. We had one issue (our friend got lost in Dongdaemun) but other than that, everything else went smoothly. Thank God!

I can't even tell you how much I love Seoul. The weather, the food, the places - I felt that I belonged there. My skin was hella great too. It was about to be Spring by the time we got there and we got to experience the transition between Winter to Spring. I knew that I should be happy and try to enjoy the trip with my friends. I did most of the time but everyday, there will always be one moment (actually, more than one) that I would feel sad. 

My group at our site visit, Insadong.

(If you're a lover of art and want to visit Art Galleries, they have a bunch here!)

You see, I had that feeling where I wanted to go home but at the same time, I didn't want to go home. I also had this feeling, whenever I went to places with my classmates, all I thought of was going back to my room and just cry. Oh yeah, by the way, I shared a room with other tourists and not my friends because the two other rooms were already full. I'm the most considerate and selfless Director ever (jk I needed personal space). I was going through the process of ending a relationship with my past boyfriend. At that time, I didn't know we would end so I thought that maybe when I come back, we could work things out. It felt like the longest 10 days ever, I desperately wanted to go home. I just knew that something was off with my relationship and we weren't talking like how we used to. I felt very shitty, you know? I've waited 3 years for this trip with my friends, only wanting to go home and just cry. My family knew that I felt sad but I didn't tell them until the last day. All I could ever think of was hugging my mom. 

My best friends, however, they knew what I was going through. Even when I didn't tell them, they were being so annoying - knocking on my door, texting and calling me, trying to drag me out every single time I had the chance of being alone with my thoughts because they know that all I was going to do was cry. At first, I didn't want to join them but I'm glad that I did. Sofiya, Nina and Adeeb, they really looked after me. While I was busy taking care of everyone else, they took care of me even though they invaded my space (rude!). I had countless times where Sofiya and Nina just barged into my room and saw me ugly crying. It was tough, I had to hide my sadness in front of everyone else - I felt like bursting keeping it all in but with them, I could just be myself, you know? Anyway, me being an emotional wreck made me closer to them. I'm so thankful to have them in my life.

Me, Sofiya and Nina in front of Seoul Central Masjid wearing matching socks

(We dropped by the mosque to do some cleaning for our community service!)

Had Halal Korean food with Adeeb at Eid, Itaewon

(I think we first bonded through Korean food. I treated him Mr. Dakgalbi as his birthday present and it changed him forever, you're welcome!)

We had a lot of free time there so it really felt like a holiday. I spent most of the time eating and walking. I really spent most of my money on food, it was crazy. Anyway, others wanted to shop and I just wanted to go places that I didn't have the chance to go to during my last trip. I thought of going alone but it turns out that Adeeb wanted to go to the same places so we ended up going together. At first, I felt very awkward because the places we went to were filled with romantic couples and then you have me, who was crying 24/7 about my failed relationship. He didn't talk much, I felt like I was talking to myself sometimes but all in all, I really liked his company. Also he saw me falling asleep in the train, that was the most embarrassing moment in my life - I wish I could delete that from my memory. There were so many places that made me feel in awe. The places I wanted to go to, they really did not disappoint. I regret not going to Gyeonggi though, I hope I can go hiking there one day!

Outfit deets // Cap: Insadong, Mesh top: Bershka, Top: Mom's, Shorts: Livberty, Pants: H&M, Boots: Timberland, Jacket: Zara //

(This photo was taken in Myeongdong. For a city girl, this place made me feel very close to home. I went here so many times just to eat the street food and enjoy my favourite comfort food at Busan-Jib restaurant.)

Sofiya and I at Stylenanda Pink Hotel, Myeongdong - managed to get myself a pair of earrings!

Nina looking like a princess in her Hanbok @ National Folk Museum of Korea

Had some fun at a magical place called Lotte World!

If you're wondering, we broke up the day I landed. Maybe there was a reason why everything fell into place the way it did. If I didn't go to Seoul, maybe I took the break up pretty badly but I'm okay. And everything is okay.

 View of Seoul city from Namsan Seoul Tower

(City lights at night make me feel so many things, good things. It's probably one of the best view to look at when you're in Seoul. I don't like light pollution but damn, Seoul is most beautiful at night. It gives me so much romantic feels with a tad feel of loneliness.)

Before I end this post, I guess I'll tell you my favourite spot of all time in Seoul. Cheonggyecheon Stream. Other than its history and how it came to be, that place really makes me feel a lot of things. I was there with my brother, Dani during the protest in 2016 (coincidentally) and when I came to Seoul again, it just made me want to go back there, again and again. This time, I managed to walk really far. I was there because I was sad but I left that place feeling so happy, especially on the final night. I don't know how to describe it but it's a special place for me. If you want to go there, start walking from Gwanghwamun station, with hot chocolate in your hands, at night with a great company and I promise, you'll have a great time.

Well, that's it. I'm sorry if you wanted to know more about Seoul if you plan to travel there and this post didn't meet your expectations. You can always ask me personally and I'll be happy to help! 

Till then, have a great week! 

Life Update: April

Happy Labour Day!

I cannot believe that it's already May. April has been a pretty hectic month for me, there were so many things that were going on so I have decided to share the highlights of my April and also what I'm planning to do during May.

BAKTISISWA SECHOLIAN

To start off my April, I went to Kemabong, Sabah for a charity project I joined under my residential college called Baktisiswa Secholian (BSS), I went there during my mid semester break. If you didn't know, this is the second year I'm joining this project. Basically what this project is about is to educate students especially in the rural areas how to further their studies after high school. This project specifically targets on East Malaysia students as some of them don't really have much exposure about the university life. Our objective is to show these students that they all have potential in becoming something bigger than what they planned for themselves. Out of all projects I have joined, this one in particular is so special to me, I've always wanted to physically and emotionally help people and this project really gave me that opportunity.

Anyway, I participated as a facilitator and I was also as a Head of Department of Arts and Recreation. What my bureau was in charge of was the fun part of this project; dancing, cheering, zumba. I loved what I did and I loved the people in my bureau. I also helped my best friend, Ali in moderating some slots as well, so that was fun too! Apart from all of that, I really became closer to the people involved in the project. I mean, I had friends but I made a lot of new friends too. I really felt belong with them.

Ali and I on our first day of BSS!

On our last day of BSS! 

A part of the BSS team with the students of SMK Kemabong!

With the gworlies; Syafiqah, Izzati and Onna at SK Kemabong

Visiting people living in rumah setinggan and donating necessities to them!

TECHNICAL REPORT PRESENTATION

Right after I came back from Sabah, I had my studio presentation. A bit of back story, I am currently doing a degree in Urban and Regional Planning and studio work is basically the main aspect of my coursework; it literally takes up 6 credit hour (that's a lot). It's my fourth semester, and my studio work is split into two main parts; Technical Report and State Structure Plan; this semester we're doing Perak Structure Plan.

For Technical Report, I was in charge of the Population Demographics and Politico-Institution Sector. Unfortunately, I had to be the leader of the group. Not going to lie but it was hell trying to get as much data as we could get, because we're in charge of demographics, other sectors are also in need of the data we analyze for their analysis. I was placed in bad timing as well, I had to juggle doing my studio work, FESENI (dancing) and BSS. Thankfully I had really great people in my group that would help covering up each other's flaws. While I was in Sabah, my group really worked hard despite my absence.

Fast forward to the presentation day, we managed to get Best Presentation for Group and I got Best Presenter! I really hope the report was sufficient for us to get good marks. I was really lucky to have hardworking people in my group. Didn't manage to get a picture with my group but here's what I wore for the presentation!

OUTFIT DETAILS

Hijab: Bahiyyahijab

Sunglasses: Rayban

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger

Blazer: H&M

Slacks: Dorothy Perkins

NEW GLASSES

Well, I had to get new spectacles. Stupid me left my glasses at a homestay when I was in Kedah from my cousin's engagement so I had to make a new one because I could not get it back. I guess it was a blessing in disguise though, my power increased rapidly so now I got myself a pair of so-called scientist goggles. 

A lot of my friends preferred my previous glasses but I honestly got bored of the old one. I like how the frames are rectangular and clear, it really gave me the nostalgia because I had similar shape frame back when I was a lot younger. It's definitely like a 2000 look. It took a while to get used to how I look like but I really like it. What do you think?

OUTFIT DETAILS

Cap: from Seoul

Glasses: Whoosh

Hijab: Uniqlo

Camisole: Thrifted

Shirt: Monki

Outerwear: Kikochie

RED HAIR

Sorry, I can't insert an image of my hair but I finally dyed my hair again! In the beginning of 2017, I decided to chop off my hair and my hair was still blue, it was a look. It then faded to purple and became soft pink. I guess I was just tired of the whole pink haired mood and wanted to go for something more vibrant. So I bought supposedly crimson red dye but when I dyed it the first time, it became shocking pink. I mean, it looked okay but I got bored because it was the colour I had when I first dyed my hair a crazy colour. I wasn't satisfied so I bought another red dye; this time, it was a different brand.

My friend, Hazeera suggested to me this vegan brand hair dye, La Riche Directions, a really long time ago so I decided to finally give a try, bought myself the shade Poppy Red. For those who are wondering, I got my hands on it through Carousell. The dye did not require for you to use a developer but I didn't read it properly so I used it. Boy, I was so worried it would turn out bad because of my silly mistake. I dyed my hair at home before going to bed; so I fell asleep while I was towel drying my hair. I woke up shookedt, my hair was bright red! The colour pay off was amazing and the consistency of the dye was smooth and easy to wash off. I definitely will use this brand for future makeovers.

This is how the tub looks like!

SUSHIVID CRUNCH

For those who don't know, I get sponsorship and collaboration with brands for my YouTube through SushiVid. It's basically a platform for influencers to land gigs with big brands. If you watched my recent videos that I collaborated with Hermo, Uniqlo, Shinju Pearls and Lazada, it was all thanks to SushiVid. I honestly love SushiVid and their people because they are the reason I got all these opportunities I always dreamed of. Also, if you're looking to be a part of them, you can check their website here.

Anyway, SushiVid had their first official event called SushiVid Crunch at The Bee, Publika. This was not an ordinary event for just influencers, but with also brands and media. I met some familiar faces and made friends with new ones too. I honestly was super scared to meet people because my sister, Lis couldn't tag along with me but it turned out to be okay. I had so much of fun! I can't wait for their next event.

During the talk with influencers; Tanesh, Vikar and Adam Shamil!

This was what I wore to the brunch! I was trying to go for a cute and approachable look since it was a brunch.

Taken by Aimanisme, Publika

OUTFIT DETAILS

Hijab: Uniqlo

Sweater: from Seoul

Dress: Popstore

Pants: Cotton On

Bag: (my sister's)

Shoes: Charles & Keith

MALAM ANUGERAH TUANKU BAHIYAH

On the last day of April, it was finally one of the biggest events in my residential college, Malam Anugerah Tuanku Bahiyah. Basically, it's like a prom and award show mashed up together. The theme was Sparks of Elegance with colours of black, silver and gold. Last year, I was one of the committee members for the dinner so I really didn't have time to eat or talk to my friends but I finally got a chance to sit with my friends this year. I won the Princess of the Night last year but this year, I didn't win (my beautiful friend, Farzana did though, she totally deserved it!). The actual highlight of the night was actually me receiving the Award for Best Academic! I made it into the dean's list, the third time and I guess I felt really proud of my achievement.

Woo! 

What I wore to the dinner:

Taken by Amin Mazlan, Mariott Hotel Putrajaya

OUTFIT DETAILS

Tiara: Lovisa

Hijab: Uniqlo

Choker: Lovisa

Dress: Carousell

Shoes: Charles & Keith

Makeup of the night! Also, got my lenses from here!

It was a similar look to my birthday dinner but with a different dress. Also, there was someone who wore a similar dress to mine. It didn't really matter but I think I'll stop buying dresses from Carousell! I anticipated this dinner so much because I really love dressing up. Now that it finally came to an end, I'm already anticipating for next year's dinner. Oh well, at least I have plenty of time to work on what to wear next week (that is if I get to stay at my residential college).

With Syafiqah!

With Amin Mazlan!

With Ali!

With my gworlies!

From left, Baim, Madkemal, Acap, Afu, Syafiqah, Aidil, Amin, Edi and Penyu!

With Wilson!

So that was it, all the highlights of my April! I guess, it was really eventful and all in all fun despite being super stressed out with assignments. 

So what's next for May? Here's what I plan to do:

• upload at least two videos in May
• Preloved Attack event on 6 & 7 May
• final studio work
• blog more often
• finish up Digimon Cyber Sleuth game

Not much to do in May since it's nearing the end of my fourth semester but I hope to accomplish all of what I planned to do. I do want to make videos but I haven't actually thought of what to do yet. Anyway, have a great month ahead!

May the Force be with all of us.

Outfits of the Week

My fourth semester of degree just started and it's always been exciting to me to wake up and figure out what to wear. I realized how I always take so much time on my outfits but no time to ever take pictures of them; that's a waste because if you don't take pictures and upload them online, people will never see your outfits (insert meme here). Jokes aside (not really), sometimes when I wear an outfit that I am really proud of and fail to take pictures of it, I would comfort myself saying "oh, maybe I can wear the same outfit for a more eventful day" when in reality, I'll forget what I wear so no one will ever witness a cool outfit that I successfully put together. Thus, I have finally taken the initiative to take pictures so here are some of my outfits of the week.

130217: Monday Blues

I have a habit of wearing blue on Mondays, unconsciously and since it was the first day of class, I had to show my genuine feelings of starting back my degree. To be honest, it's only been a week and I am already sick (literally, I am sick as I am typing this out). 

Taken by Aimanisme, at SS15

Hijab: Bahiyya Hijab

Top: Bandung

Bottom: Anaabu 

Shoes: Clarks

My top actually has some cute patches that I patched them myself but you can't really see it due to my hijab. Anyway, the pants from Anaabu are my absolute favourite! I am a sucker for high-waisted pants as it gives an illusion of a taller figure and the slits at the bottom are just so precious. I love pairing these with anything especially with cute socks because the slits will really show them off. 

150217: On Wednesdays, we wear pink!

For quite some time, I have been struggling on having colours in my wardrobe and although pink is one of my favourite colours, my wardrobe is dearth of it. Anyway, I decided to wear pink not only because it was a Wednesday but it was a day after Valentine's Day and my two beautiful best friends, Sasha and Vieana asked me out for lunch! I treated it like a Galentine and when you're with those two, you really have to go all out on your outfits.

Taken by Vieana, at APW Bangsar

Hijab: Hana Tajima for Uniqlo

Sweater: Seoul

Top: (it's actually a girdle)

Pants: Mori

How corny can I be with the cutout heart shaped pants, am I right? I don't really fancy the flair of the jeans but it may be because I am just not used to it. Since there was a cut out and I haven't patched it like what I intended to do, I decided to wear a girdle. Yes, a girdle underneath my pants and over my sweater. When I thought that, I immediately thought that I was a genius but I wore it the whole day and could not eat as much as I wanted to, so that made me a bit sad. Anyway, let's talk about the sweater I got from Seoul. The cuffs were the reason why I bought it! 

170217: I Mesh-ed Up!

I was invited by my talented primary school friend, Anis to come to her fashion show where she showed off her gorgeous vibrant collection but I came a bit too late! :( Nonetheless, she won Best Creative & Innovative Design and honestly, when I was in primary school, I knew that she would do big things like this and knew that fashion will always be her specialty! If you're keen on seeing what I'm talking about, click here to read her blog and see her design!

Taken by Aiman, at NU Sentral

T-shirt: My sister's!

Mesh top: H&M

Pants: Cotton On

Bag: Zara

Boots: H&M

I think there will always be a day in the week where I will wear an all-black outfit! I honestly love how this outfit turned out especially with a vibrant purple inner that matched my lipstick that really showcased my current favourite, the mesh top. 

180217: I Stole Tasha's Look!

Tasha turned 22 and she invited me for her birthday lunch to celebrate the occasion! The theme was blue and white so I decided to use her as my inspiration for the outfit. Things that remind me of her are soft colours, small striped shirts, satin camisoles and ankle straps heels so I put them all into one outfit! It was so funny how she complimented on my outfit when actually, I was just channeling her aesthetics. It was a great birthday lunch, I hope Tasha knows that she is always loved by everyone!

Taken by Lis, at Greenhouse by Muir

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger

Camisole: Thrifted

Pants: Uniqlo

Bag: Dorothy Perkins

Shoes: Charles & Keith

After wearing this outfit, I understand why Tasha likes wearing soft colours! I really hate wearing white because I am such a klutz but I think I should add more soft colours into my wardrobe. It makes me feel so soft and feminine. Also, if you're wondering where to get satin camisoles, don't bother buying them from your favourite branded stores because honestly, it's overpriced. I got my camisoles all from Family Bundle, Ampang for only RM5 each. You just need the patience of finding them but it will all be worth it.

I honestly am really proud of myself because I got to show you guys my outfits of the week. I just had a thought that maybe I should do this a weekly thing on my blog, you know? Anyway, I'm in a process of writing a heartfelt blog post, I just don't know when I will have the time to do so since I am always running out of time but hopefully soon.

Till then, have a great week!

feeling out of place

Taken by Amir Khaziq @ Empire Damansara

Decided to pay this space a little visit again; I've been feeling all sorts of things and I feel like this is the best place for me to sort things out. You know how they say that musicians write the best music when they feel unhappy? I guess it works the same way with me and this blog. The only sentimental post I have ever written was a year ago so I think I'll be keeping this space for sentimental posts, not about my work, or social media life; just me, my thoughts & feelings. So I'll eventually come back with more writings if I ever feel out of place again.

Well, to tell you the truth, I feel rather disappointed with myself. I've always been feeling this way, of course, this feeling comes and goes though. I have a hunch that every time when people from social media finally meet me in real life, they always leave with a slight feeling of disappointment. Everyone has their expectations on how people from social media are like in real life, everyone does that, even me but I cannot help to think that I would always surprise people with the Lissa I am, and not the lissa pissa they expect.

As much as I hate to admit it, I, am a very complex person. I am not the high school Lissa Nazeri, the loud and outgoing one, always chasing for popularity, the one that was known to have a different boyfriend every year. I grew out from that and that shell is not my home anymore, it feels so foreign to me now. I spend a lot of time getting to know myself and I really, really like who I am now, I am a strong character with strong opinions but I lack on other matters too (hence, this post) and maybe, just maybe, people don't like me as much I like myself. I know what you might think, why on Earth would you care about what others think of you, well, true and false. If the others you mention are people in general then, I don't give a slightest damn about them but if the others you mention are the people I came across with and had me the littlest hope on becoming friends, then you are right, I care so much even if I don't show it.

Back to me being a complex person, I am never my true self with most people. It is true that I am an introvert, so much so that I choose to speak to who I want and I choose to say what I want. I am just that kind of person who won't try to have small talks with everyone in the room. And when I look for a friend, I will always try to find those who have common grounds with me so if the shoe doesn't fit them, I wouldn't even try to initiate anything.

I hate to admit this too but I act so differently with different groups of people. The determinants on how I act and react are usually how big is the crowd and what kind of vibe I feel from them. I get extremely terrified when there are so many people, I always feel like I would drown, my thoughts would drown in that situation and people wouldn't want to hear me speak because there are other people who are way interesting than myself. At times, if I feel really good with the person I am with, I will talk so much, but that usually comes naturally. I know how stupid this is but my phone is always in my hand to avoid awkwardness and me looking stupid in front of people.

As much as I thought that those days, my sister was always labeled as Lissa's older sister and that she has been living under my shadow, I'd like to think that it is me that has been the one living under her shadow. I am not saying that it is a bad thing because I always feel that we both bring out the best out of each other and we really are a good team, what bothers me is that, I find comfort in being under her shadow. Although I do admit that it is somewhat annoying having people to think that the only reason why I tag along is because I am just the little sister, I honestly cannot blame them because I let them think and feel that way too.

No matter how much Lis tells me that she is not good at making friends or making conversations, I think she always does it better than I do. Every time she does that with the people around us, I don't feel like it is an obligation to speak or make small talks anymore because I don't know, at the back of my head, I feel like Lis speaks on my behalf too. And then I would get a little offended when people don't include me in conversations when I didn't even try to contribute. I sound ridiculous right now.

It is just so ironic how in my Advanced Communication Skills class, I am the best speaker and my lecturer tells me how my voice control is good, how confident I am, how I am so energetic, how I carry really good vibes when I speak but in truth, I cannot apply all of that in my daily life and that frustrates me so much. I wish I am as funny as how my mom would tell me at home. I wish people would want to meet me because they think I'm hella cool, you know? But mostly, I wish people would tell me that they want to see me again because they had a really good time after meeting me for the first time. It says something about you when people don't do that, right?

I am not writing this to get sympathy or to offend anyone, really. In truth, I brought myself to feel this way. I want to try to break out of this new shell I comfortably sit in, but it's hard sometimes to force yourself into doing something you're not used to, it almost feels like it's not genuine.

So, I am sorry if I ever disappoint anyone, I wish I didn't.