Taken by my sister, Lis @ China House, Victoria Street, Penang
Many have been curious about the sudden change that I did so I decided to lay out everything here, to answer all of the questions that I have gotten for the past few months. Now, I am going to be perfectly honest with this subject so please note that I am just like everyone else, still practising and still learning.
It was not a sudden change about me deciding to cover up, actually. I kind of gave people a head's up that I will be wearing a hijab about a year ago. People asked me why I did that and why not just wear it straight away instead of telling people about it. To be frank, I do not have an aspiring story to tell on why I decided to wear a hijab. I just made a promise to my mother that when I enter the university life, that will be my time where I start to wear. Wearing a hijab was quite a big step for me and I gave people a head's up not because I wanted to make a big fuss out of it, but to implant the idea of me covering up (mainly for my family and friends) so that they don't get shocked by my sudden decision and in a way, it gave them time to process and accept it. However, others knew about it because people on ask.fm kept asking me so I went honest and just answered them.
Many questioned my sincerity as I have not deleted old images and videos of me after this hijrah. It did not get to me the fact that I got a lot of negative feed backs but I did feel quite sad and disappointed by how people gave me so much pressure after I took this big leap. I understand that some people are concerned but others just do it because they see that as my faults so, they try to provoke me. In my defense, it is up to you to question my sincerity but I know, Allah knows and my family knows that I am sincere in covering my aurah and committing myself to Him. Taking a big leap is one thing but what people don't understand is that I am still trying to better myself like how others are too, and even if people do question my sincerity, at least I am training myself to wear a hijab rather than not doing anything, right?
Different people take different leaps, and maybe my leap seemed really small to others that they simply do not understand how knotty it is for me to delete everything or to cover up "properly" etc. And, it is funny because they just see it in that point of view instead of seeing that people can do these things gradually and not at one go. I know that I do not have to listen to what others say or think of me but it is kind of difficult for me to not ignore it especially when I get a lot of these anonymous feed backs on my ask.fm. However, I hope you know that I am following my own pace, slowly but surely, I will eventually do it. Change is not just doing something at one shot, it is something that you do gradually and it is sad that most people do not see it that way anymore.
Others have asked what difference I felt after covering up. Well, the first day that I entered University of Malaya was the first day that I wore a hijab and because I started anew, it did not feel awkward because no one (except Mas, Hazeera and Aimran) actually knew me. I felt like I started fresh and I think that it was a good decision for me to do so; people somehow looked at me in a similar but different way, it felt really nice. I think because of that, whenever I meet my old friends, I would already feel comfortable with how I look. As for what I feel inside, I feel more protected and at ease but other than that, I did not feel such a big difference, which is okay. I treat styling my hijab like how I would style my hair, it's something new but pretty cool. And even when I look at my closet, I would say that I never regret putting on a hijab. People did not treat me differently and I did not lose my friends or whatsoever. They understood that this is a necessity and they still respect what I say and do, that's why I would say that there is not much of a difference.
Many have said that saying something before doing it is a sign of attention seeking but for me, telling people beforehand did so much for me, it saved me time from unnecessary questions and I feel like during that period while I was getting ready to cover up, others were also getting ready to see me covered up. Most people especially my best friends (even though they're not Muslims) were really supportive of me, they would encourage me and give me motivation. And to see, the sisters around me starting to wear hijabs too made me feel like I was not the only one going through the same thing, I felt really inspired and comforted. All in all, thank you so much for those who were so supportive of me.
This is a piece of advice that I would like to share for you sisters who will one day go through as I did before. Never feel scared of change, change (especially for religion and for Allah) is good. Even if you are wearing a hijab halfheartedly and people condemn you for that, please know that you are training yourself and eventually, things will fall into place. I'm pretty sure Allah likes people who STILL try even if they do things halfheartedly, rather than nothing. Like I said, different people take different leaps, yours do not have to be the biggest one compared to others but it should the biggest one in your heart and mind. Good luck. I hope I answered everything. Have a good week ahead, as for me, I have to sit for my mid-sem exams.
