Taken by Dani @ ATAP Roof Top Cafe
Being single for the past few months has really been taking a great toll on me. I didn't know that it would suck this much being alone but it sucks most of the time. I'm not actually crying over the fact that I don't have anyone to give me attention anymore but I realized when I actually try to be alone, I spend most of my time being alone with my thoughts - and that's scary.
I don't think that I have ever opened up to my friends about what I truly struggle with. Everyone just think that I go by my life looking unbothered with everything most of the time. Sad to say that it's only just a fascade. It's hard to explain, really. Just putting it out there, my family has been nothing but loving and supportive towards me. Whatever that I go through is because of the state of my mental health.
Well, there's nothing left to lose anyway since almost no one reads this blog so I'm just going to tell you - I have high functioning depression. It's a bit different than the stereotypes of depression - lack of motivation to do anything etc. High functioning depression is like, you feel depressed but still carry out your daily routine like normal. People may think you're okay since you're just going about your life but you constantly feel empty throughout the day.
I'm pretty sure if a lot of people knew, they would ask me "Don't you have everything? Why are you so sad about?". Well, I'm here to tell you, I don't know but my feelings are valid, my mental health is at stake, you can get mentally ill like how frequently you get physically ill. Depression is always hard to explain when others don't go through it - I guess that's why I never actually find the comfort in talking to my friends about it. If you feel the same way, however, seek a therapist - it helps. It just hurts when you open up to someone and all they can say is "get over it", because I do want to get over it, I just don't know how to.
I didn't know high functioning depression was a thing until as of recent when I took an elective course on Health, Lifestyle and Diseases. I never actually knew that I was depressed. I mean, I knew that I was but I wasn't actually going through similar symptoms as what my friends who have depression went through. I thought it was all in my head and that I'm just PMS-ing... everyday until I found out about it (HFD) and started to dig up and do some research. I'm not a professional but I guess sharing whatever symptoms that I have may help you if you struggle to understand and that maybe you might go through what I go through, who knows?
#1 I have difficulty in experiencing the littlest happiness in life.
Things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore even when I try to force it on myself. Everything just makes me either sad or just feel a bunch of nothingness. I'm not sad the whole time, though. I still do get happy when someone buys me flowers or if I eat my favourite dessert but most of the time, I just feel sad when I don't even have the reason to. With all the things that used to bring me joy, doing them became like a chore to me so I just ended up not doing it anymore.
#2 I constantly doubt myself.
I don't know whether I'm like this because of my depression or if it's due to having an imposter syndrome. I always doubt myself despite the accomplishments that I have. For instance, getting Dean's list 6 times in a row should make me feel like I know my stuff but I still think that it was mere luck. This constant self-doubt also plays in relationships which is probably the worst thing that I'm going through right now. I always think that the people that are in my life are going to get sick of me and eventually leave me; I also question why they are still staying because I feel like I'm not that great as a person.
#3 I struggle with low self-esteem.
People who actually know me in real life would probably think that I don't go through this because I'm a narcissist but I actually do. This is also the reason why I stopped being a YouTuber or a "social media influencer". I always think of the worst thing that could happen to me to get myself prepared for when it truly comes and that's so unhealthy. When things don't work out with the person I like, I always bum myself out by saying things like "I'll never find anyone that will actually like my companionship". I often compare myself to other people and give a million reasons to why I suck, basically. The self-esteem issue got worse when I gained weight and started to break out but thank God that's over.
#4 I rely on my coping strategies excessively.
Since I want to be away with my thoughts, I look for escapism real bad. That could mean, playing video games, watch anime or just sleep for the rest of the day to avoid thinking about anything. Another way is talking to someone that should be making me happy and rely on that person for my own emotions. Relying on someone is bad because when they get busy or when they don't give you the attention that you expect, you'll start to think about what you did wrong when actually, there really isn't anything wrong.
#5 Crying over the littlest things.
This is probably the most annoying thing ever. I'll cry when smallest things don't go my way. I'll cry when I overthink about what a text means. I'll just cry because the smallest things feel huge to me. Uh, I kind of don't know how to describe this feeling, sorry.
The list could go on and on but I'm actually pretty exhausted from typing all of this because I have to remember feeling depressed lol. I'm sure there are a lot of articles and videos that you can find about HFD and its symptoms.
So, you might ask, what did I do to cure my depression? Well, I'm not cured and I don't think that there is a cure for depression in general. It's always going to be a constant battle on your mentality. There are days when you're like I'M GOING TO MAKE DEPRESSION MY BITCH and then get down the next few days, it happens. I am still depressed here and there but I've come to a point to where I can manage it. I guess, I could tell you what I've been doing.
First, seek professional help! Professionals can diagnose you, help you understand what you don't and provide you with medications if necessary. I go to see a therapist but not that often; it does make you feel better to get things off your chest and feel driven to fight against depression after a therapy session. Don't bother trying to seek your friends because they can't cure you and might say anything that could trigger your depression instead.
I still play video games and watch anime but not excessively anymore. I play video games about 2 to 3 hours and as for anime, maybe I'd watch 3 episodes. As for relying on someone as a coping strategy, I'm still trying to manage that. I just don't use my phone to text that much anymore. Other than that, I've also been trying to have a healthy (but not that healthy) diet and lose weight the right way. I stopped drinking Pokka Green Tea on a daily basis and opt for mineral water instead so that I won't be so tired (since I get emotionally tired easily).
Escapism is nice but I can't run away from my thoughts forever so here is where things get serious. Facing your thoughts especially at night. Boy, it's still a struggle. Every single time your mind plays tricks on you and tell you something negative, always say these sentences out loud:
"Everything is okay. If it's not now, then it will be okay later on."
"I have so much love to give and so much love to gain."
"Today is the day I can love myself with no expectations."
"I am the key in changing and shaping my life. I have the power."
Fighting your thoughts sure is tough but it's manageable. It's okay to cry even if it's every night. I learnt that once I cry every night, I will either get tired of the feeling and become very driven to make myself happy the next day OR I just cry less because I've become somewhat immune. You have to make a habit to talk to yourself before you sleep about what you can do to show self-love. Try to always sleep with positivity so that you'll wake up feeling better.
I've been feeling way better after my mother bought me a teddy bear. Her name is Bambi and she's the cutest thing ever! I talk to her every now and then and hugging it always makes me feel okay. I think that the fact that my mother bought it for me makes it a whole lot greater.
Bambi <3
Whoever that is reading this, I'm actually writing this for myself. It's honestly so hard trying to stay mentally strong but I know that I can do it. I really just want to be happy, even if it means being happy with just myself. I hope that when I revisit this post in a few months/years time, I'm able to say that I did it.
Good night.
(this is the most taxing post I've ever done)
