crushed

lights in my newly decorated room!

I'm back with a secret that I've kept to myself for quite some time now. I hope that the person I'm talking about in this post does not suddenly stumble across my blog but he probably won't know that I'm talking about him in the first place so, I think I'm good. I hope I don't give too much information away.

Do you have that certain someone that you admire (or like) for a long time but you know that things between you both will never happen so you just admire them from afar? If you do, then I guess we're on the same boat. You see, I've had a crush on this guy since I was 15 and he probably didn't even know that I exist back then. At first I thought he was just cute and then when I found out that we had some mutual friends and I started to learn bits and pieces about him, I guess I started to like him as a person. We became internet friends - we follow each other on social media but that's all to it, actually.

I guess you could say that I have a crush on this guy but you know, I'm a realist - I don't think I'm actually his type to begin with. So, I just like his posts and watch his videos every now and then for the fun of it. Even though we're so near each other, our worlds are so far apart and I guess I've accepted that fact. I never expected to be romantically involved with him but I do wish that we could somehow become friends, instead of just acquaintances. I've always wanted to just go out with him once, sit down and just get to know him. Even when I thought I got the chance, it never actually happened and I just end up waiting for the next opportunity to come into my hands.

I'm a big believer with putting effort into doing something you want but another part of me also believes in fate - if the universe is not aligning your worlds then maybe you shouldn't push it, you know? I can't say that I didn't try because I think I've done my part and I guess the universe is just telling me that maybe we are not meant to even be just friends. I mean, we have met and talked here and there but it was always fairly brief. Mind you, he also has a huge following of girls, I'm not even surprised if he saw me as one of them.

I did try, however once again. I didn't expect much though. I met him again as of recent. I didn't know why but before seeing him, I felt so nervous. I think it wasn't me being nervous seeing him, it was more of like scared of being indirectly rejected by him. Anyway, we met, it was okay, I guess. It's a good thing my best friends were there, if not I probably would have exploded. I have no idea why I got scared thinking that he probably didn't remember me (even though we exchanged messages on social media + I kinda asked him out). I left the place feeling a tiny bit of disappointment - he didn't even call me by my name so hahaha, maybe he didn't remember me. Well, at least he has a picture of me in his phone from that night.

So yeah, another stagnant ending to this story.

I guess he remains as my crush. Maybe it's better this way. Me admiring him for 7 years has planted this idea of him and if I have truly gotten to know him, I probably might get disappointed knowing that what I thought might be wrong.