feeling out of place

Taken by Amir Khaziq @ Empire Damansara

Decided to pay this space a little visit again; I've been feeling all sorts of things and I feel like this is the best place for me to sort things out. You know how they say that musicians write the best music when they feel unhappy? I guess it works the same way with me and this blog. The only sentimental post I have ever written was a year ago so I think I'll be keeping this space for sentimental posts, not about my work, or social media life; just me, my thoughts & feelings. So I'll eventually come back with more writings if I ever feel out of place again.

Well, to tell you the truth, I feel rather disappointed with myself. I've always been feeling this way, of course, this feeling comes and goes though. I have a hunch that every time when people from social media finally meet me in real life, they always leave with a slight feeling of disappointment. Everyone has their expectations on how people from social media are like in real life, everyone does that, even me but I cannot help to think that I would always surprise people with the Lissa I am, and not the lissa pissa they expect.

As much as I hate to admit it, I, am a very complex person. I am not the high school Lissa Nazeri, the loud and outgoing one, always chasing for popularity, the one that was known to have a different boyfriend every year. I grew out from that and that shell is not my home anymore, it feels so foreign to me now. I spend a lot of time getting to know myself and I really, really like who I am now, I am a strong character with strong opinions but I lack on other matters too (hence, this post) and maybe, just maybe, people don't like me as much I like myself. I know what you might think, why on Earth would you care about what others think of you, well, true and false. If the others you mention are people in general then, I don't give a slightest damn about them but if the others you mention are the people I came across with and had me the littlest hope on becoming friends, then you are right, I care so much even if I don't show it.

Back to me being a complex person, I am never my true self with most people. It is true that I am an introvert, so much so that I choose to speak to who I want and I choose to say what I want. I am just that kind of person who won't try to have small talks with everyone in the room. And when I look for a friend, I will always try to find those who have common grounds with me so if the shoe doesn't fit them, I wouldn't even try to initiate anything.

I hate to admit this too but I act so differently with different groups of people. The determinants on how I act and react are usually how big is the crowd and what kind of vibe I feel from them. I get extremely terrified when there are so many people, I always feel like I would drown, my thoughts would drown in that situation and people wouldn't want to hear me speak because there are other people who are way interesting than myself. At times, if I feel really good with the person I am with, I will talk so much, but that usually comes naturally. I know how stupid this is but my phone is always in my hand to avoid awkwardness and me looking stupid in front of people.

As much as I thought that those days, my sister was always labeled as Lissa's older sister and that she has been living under my shadow, I'd like to think that it is me that has been the one living under her shadow. I am not saying that it is a bad thing because I always feel that we both bring out the best out of each other and we really are a good team, what bothers me is that, I find comfort in being under her shadow. Although I do admit that it is somewhat annoying having people to think that the only reason why I tag along is because I am just the little sister, I honestly cannot blame them because I let them think and feel that way too.

No matter how much Lis tells me that she is not good at making friends or making conversations, I think she always does it better than I do. Every time she does that with the people around us, I don't feel like it is an obligation to speak or make small talks anymore because I don't know, at the back of my head, I feel like Lis speaks on my behalf too. And then I would get a little offended when people don't include me in conversations when I didn't even try to contribute. I sound ridiculous right now.

It is just so ironic how in my Advanced Communication Skills class, I am the best speaker and my lecturer tells me how my voice control is good, how confident I am, how I am so energetic, how I carry really good vibes when I speak but in truth, I cannot apply all of that in my daily life and that frustrates me so much. I wish I am as funny as how my mom would tell me at home. I wish people would want to meet me because they think I'm hella cool, you know? But mostly, I wish people would tell me that they want to see me again because they had a really good time after meeting me for the first time. It says something about you when people don't do that, right?

I am not writing this to get sympathy or to offend anyone, really. In truth, I brought myself to feel this way. I want to try to break out of this new shell I comfortably sit in, but it's hard sometimes to force yourself into doing something you're not used to, it almost feels like it's not genuine.

So, I am sorry if I ever disappoint anyone, I wish I didn't.